Sharkey’s Splashdown: Yorkshire Water’s River Rescue Roasted!

Sharkey’s Splashdown: Yorkshire Water’s River Rescue Roasted!

In a quirkier twist, Yorkshire Water’s attempt to clean up its act in Ilkley by investing £1.4 million to tackle river waste has been dubbed “pocket change” by none other than Feargal Sharkey, the once-upon-a-time singer turned clean water campaigner.

Sharkey, renowned for his hits and now infamous for his environmental crusades, expressed his “underwhelming” applause for the effort during his speech to the Ilkley Clean River Group, likening the investment to a drop in the ocean. “I mean, seriously, I’ve seen more significant coinage down the back of my sofa,” he quipped.

The former frontman didn’t hold back, showering praise on the group’s efforts, describing them as “outrageously awesome” and “super-duper cool”, quite possibly exhausting his thesaurus of superlatives in the process.

Drawing attention to the declining grayling populations, Sharkey lamented, “It’s like finding Nemo, but Nemo’s missing, and we’re left with a bunch of grumpy fish.”

Meanwhile, Yorkshire Water’s CEO, Nicola Shaw, assured everyone that the cash would be splashed before 2026, but not without a tiny splash of irony. “For a town with a population smaller than a Jonas Brothers fan club, these numbers are astronomical!” she exclaimed, trying not to drown in the irony.

Becky Malby, the fearless leader of the Ilkley Clean River Group, rallied behind Sharkey’s remarks, claiming victory in their ongoing battle against the water giants. “They want us to foot the bill for their mess! It’s like asking us to pay for a pizza we didn’t order,” she protested, as supporters nodded in vigorous agreement.

In a world where sewage makes headlines, and campaigners fish for compliments, one thing’s for sure: Feargal Sharkey won’t let anyone off the hook until every river runs clean, or at least until Yorkshire Water coughs up enough cash to buy a decent-sized yacht.

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